SPINNING THEIR WAY TO SUCCESS

       With his popularity lower than plankton on the food chain, President Bush had to do something dramatic if he had any hope of a second term. Something came in the form of a top secret meeting of the White House Office of Presidential Spin (WHOOPS).
       In the Silverado Room inthe West Wing one Mondaymorning, WHOOPS planned to spin the President into reelection. With only a few months left before they were unemployed or, worse yet, had to return to jobs in advertising, the spin doctors were desperately searching for solutions. Since the President's popularity was its highest during the Persian Gulf War, it wasn't unusual for the first solutions to center around the War. The reality there was little discussion about Saddam still being in power, the Kurds were being massacred, or there was still no democracy in Iraq, Kuwait, or Saudi Arabia was already a tribute to the effectiveness of the President's image makers. But it wasn't enough.
       "We need something new. Something dramatic,"said Dr. Clement P. Fielgut, the chief doctor of WHOOPS.
       "We nuke the Soviets,"said Susie Sweetwater. "No one likes them Commies anyhow."
       "There's no more Communists,"said Dr. Fielgut sadly. "Didn't you read the papers?"As soon as he said it, Dr. Fielgut knew he made a mistake since Sweetwater had been a TV anchor before moving to Washington.
       "What about China?"countered another member of the staff. "We declare we're saving the world supply of Wedgewood dishes?"
       "Wars are out,"said Dr. Fielgut. "Besides, in the past 12 years, we invaded every land mass on earth that has oil or Communists."
       "We launch a battle cruiser to Mars!"declared another doctor. Dr. Fielgut just looked at his staff, knowing they were Presidential appointments and the result of inbreeding among financial contributors.
"We could focus on something the President did the past four years that benefited mankind, then exploit that,"suggested one tactician. After the laughter died, the faceless manipulators tossed around all kinds of ideas. A redirection of national priorities. A larger information program. A national health care plan. An increase in the number of social workers with a concurrent decrease in personnel in the executive management branch of the federal government. Naturally, all the ideas were seen as unworkable and thrown out.
       "What is it that we do here?"Dr. Fielgut asked rhetorically.
       "Modify the truth, of course,"came the unified reply. A light flickered in the mind of Lance Redux, a recent honors graduate in public relations, and the newest member of the WHOOPS staff.
       "If we can convince the people that the President was the one responsible for curing AIDS,"said Redux, "we'd be able to make people forget about Irangate, poverty, the health care crisis, crime, drugs, and even Dan Quayle. The President would be a shoo-in not just for re-election but for the Nobel Prize as well. He might even make more money than Millie this year!"
"It could work,"said Dr. Fielgut, "but first we'd have to make up an AIDS policy."
       "Remember back seats of cars?"Lance Redux asked, patting down his lacquered hair. "Remember how wide and soft they were. What happened in the back seats?"
       "I don't know how she got there!"one doctor shrieked.
       "It wasn't mine!"squawked another.
       "I wasn't even in the state at the time,"burbled a third.
       "Now, remember the Recession,"the junior spin doctor asked.
       "What Recession?!"thundered Rockhead, one of the doctors. "There never was a Recession! There is no Recession! There never will be a Recession!"
       "That's right,"said Dr. Fielgut, explaining a version of reality to the newest staff member. "We had a downward modification of an upwardly spiral economy. There may have been some temporary lapses of continuing income maintenance. But we didn't have the `R' word."
       "We do now,"said Lance Redux. "We need to identify the past four years as a Recession. We need to exploit it. We need to make everyone now believe that the President was responsible for the economy."
       "Treason!"shouted one member.
       "Sedition!"proclaimed another.
       "Heresy!"the others ordained.
        But Lance Redux pleaded for just a minute more. The others granted him his one last request.
       "What happens in a Recession?"he asked.
       "People can't buy anything. Any fool knows that!"came a hostile reaction.
       "And when people can't buy anything,"said the newest spinner, "they don't buy cars. Even if they had downsized economy cars, they still couldn't afford the gas. And when they don't have gas and don't have cars, they can't have sex. And when they can't have sex, they can't get AIDS."
        On one fine Summer morning, 10 spin doctors (and one up-and-coming cabinet secretary) walked into the President's office to announce that because of the President's leadership the only screwing that occurred in the country the past four years had nothing to do with sex. They had finally found something the President could take responsibility for.