Facing heavy winds, sub-freezing temperatures, and expecting between one and three feet of snow to fall over much of Pennsylvania, the TV news teams went into overdrive. This may be an accurate description of one of those minute-by-minute analyses.

    "I'm Harry Hansom. Co-anchor Susie Sweetwater just called. Her car had slid into a ditch about eight miles from the studio. Fortunately, she had her roller-blades in the car, and is skating furiously to get here so she doesn't lose a day's pay. We begin our Team Weather Coverage with chief meteorologist Hugh Miditty, inside the reinforced bunker of Weather Command Central, deep inside Mount Melmac."

    "Based upon detailed computer analysis and extensive satellite monitoring, available only through our exclusive Poplar Eye-Witness Weather Watch System, we can trace an upper level atmospheric low-pressure system that formed just east of Phoenix, traveled north to I-80, then cruised east where it hit dead- center with another low-pressure system coming north from Spring training in Florida. OR, maybe it began in New Jersey, then ran a doughnut of isobars around Pennsylvania. As you know, a lot of bad things begin in Jersey. Nevertheless, we can tell with certainty that we have a 52 percent chance it either is or isn't snowing right now. In critical related news, the high was 29 today, with a low of 22. That's well off from the records. The record high, set in 1945, was 68 degrees. Today in L.A., it was a sun-drenched 78, and those babes in the Sunshine State must have been catching some real cool rays. Here's a reminder. If you go to California, and your plane doesn't crash from ice on the wing flaps, wear a good sunblock. That sunshine can really do some damage. The nation's low today was set in Washington when the Press attacked the President for not saying anything about the previous president's press policies, but that's another story. The story here is that before the storm leaves to drop three feet of hail on Bermuda, we'll have anywhere from five inches to three feet of snow, sleet, and acid rain that'll burn the paint off every car in a hundred mile radius."

    "Thanks, Hugh, for a report that got real deep. We continue our extended and comprehensive team coverage of the snow emergency with Flake Sepulveda who's on top of our alternate command outhouse just behind our main studios. Flake, can you see what's happening right now?"

    "From high atop our roof, I can tell you better than any other reporter that there's a heap of snow out here. Let me fight the bruising wind and go to the edge of the roof and take a closer look. It appears . . ."

    "We've lost communication with the roof. Let's check traffic with Barry Blades in HeliCam 2."

    "It's real white out here. I can't see the road, but it looks like I'm a little south of Manitoba, and up to my rear rotor in snow. I'm also running out of fuel. Back to you, Harry."

    "For a ground-level view, we go LIVE to Polly Prattle."

    "I'm standing in the middle of I-80. We haven't seen much traffic the past hour. Just a few snow plows which we'll let through as soon as we finish this vital and essential report. As you can see, there's nothing but that white stuff all around me. If my dumb cameraman hadn't broken his leg trying to get 100 pounds of equipment out of the all-weather WFAD News VW bug, we'd have even better pictures of nothing."

    "Thanks Polly. Now to Bob Covina, LIVE at the mall."

    "Harry, I'm standing LIVE in the parking lot at the West Begonia Mall. There aren't any cars in the lot. Except ours, of course. There's a lot of snow and the mall is closed."

    "Do you know when it'll open?"

    "It's a little past 11 p.m. right now, so I guess it'll probably open tomorrow morning sometime."

    "Thanks for that insightful report, Bob. We have a special satellite link to Cap'n Carl, commanding the 502nd anti-aircraft cavalry battalion. You probably know him as one of our anchors, but he's taken a few hours off to serve our community in its time of greatest need. Cap'n, save any lives in this storm?"

    "You better believe it, Harry. If it weren't for the storm and the governor activating us, we'd have been disbanded. So, I guess you can say we've saved the pensions of more than 30 fine young Americans."

    "Thanks, Carl, keep us posted on the fine work you've been doing. Now, LIVE on Second Street is Kiki Vertigo who's been interviewing residents about their response to the snow."

    "With me right now, EXCLUSIVELY on Second Street, is resident Homer Bigeloo who has a snow shovel. Homer, what are you doing?"

    "I'm shoveling snow."

    "Have you been shoveling long?"

    "I don't like snow."

    "How long haven't you liked snow?"

    "A long time."

    "Thanks, Homer. I'm Kiki Vertigo, LIVE on Second Street. Back to you, Harry."

    "Another great interview, Kiki. Right after this message from Mendocino Frozen TV Dinners, we'll be back with an abbreviated 'World in 60 Seconds' edition, and special 15-second reports about the nuclear war in the Middle East and the break- through discovery of a cure for cancer."

Copyright 2001 Walter M. Brasch